“My heart and your heart are very, very old friends...” ~ Hafiz

I take Valentine’s Day with a pinch of salt. It is such a divisive celebration that I loathe to acknowledge it in the way that our consumerist society wants us to. Should I dislike overt gestures of expenditure or do I resent the lack of it because I’m not deemed worthy? Either way my ego will protest in some way – if I let it.

What does this martyred saint mean to you? This Valentine who was apparently persecuted for giving succour to Christians by intolerant Roman pagans? So much distorted history down the ages shaped to create current beliefs. But then all the romantic connotations associated with this day came about – probably – around the 14^th Century when courtly love was all the rage and Chaucer penned a rather romantic ditty. Something I read some time ago apparently with a Welsh accent according to my classmates. Have you tried reading Chaucer out loud? You slip into regional accents you never knew you could do. 

I won’t deny that being appreciated by another human-being is a wonderful feeling and for some of us this might mean flowers, chocolates, cuddly bears, underwear and socks (basically Christmas with hearts on top). For others of us: a meal, a romantic get-away, a movie... whatever...you all know what I mean - nothing wrong with it. It’s only when expectations create the canvas and the chosen expressionist is not forthcoming that things can go a little cubist. The rest of us don’t necessarily put serious thought into it. I am married to a man who jokingly tells me that I’m high maintenance because I never demand anything from him – ever. He says I am the most difficult person to buy for because I never want anything. He honours all the 'special' dates: birthdays, anniversaries – a person who enjoys showing his appreciation through these gestures. He chooses to do this of his own accord because that's the kind of person he is. If anyone is remiss in this relationship and behaves like the (amnesiac) 'man', it's me. It wouldn't be the first time I have forgotten our anniversary. So sue me and put my head on a spike! Truth is, we have everything we need and I am grateful, even if sometimes I can be downright contrary about sticking to convention and blasé about keeping dates.



The fact is, Valentne’s Day is such a big deal for some people it’s almost painful to watch when it doesn’t go according to their romantic notions. I have friends in many different states of ‘relationship’, whether single, coupled, married, widowed, divorced, separated or simply just being. This day (if you give much credence to a ‘matrix’ reality) obliges the individual to acknowledge where they are on the relationship pyramid.  You can ignore it all you like and make cynical jokes about it too. But it’s there in your face. Valentacky Day is everywhere you look!

The truth is none of it matters. Not really. I think back to the days when I was single and remember the days I felt like perhaps I wasn’t meant for the loving business.  And as I got older and got better acquainted with who I am I came to realise that my lovelorn ego and its misplaced priorities had no place in my life, not if I wanted to be happy. To berate myself thinking that I was unloved and rejected was my egos way of punishing me for something I hadn’t done. Eventually after a lot of introspection, low moments and serious questions I came to understand myself and forgive myself the self inflicted unkindness; it’s one thing to allow others to treat you badly, but another to treat yourself with disdain. In both cases you make the decision to cut the cords keeping you in that hopeless place dictated to you by your ego and the pressure of conformity. Bad relationship? Consign it to history - au revoir. Learn from it and let it go. Saint Valentine would have offered you a shoulder to cry on, I'm sure, not a bunch of meaningless flowers.

 

So, whether you celebrate it or not, remember that love is more than just the love between lovers. Life doesn’t have to be lonely and it certainly shouldn’t be lived disconnected. We are all worthy, beautiful and have much to offer. It’s just that in some cases we haven’t discovered how to participate in the life plan yet. We love our families, our friends, our pets, our world, our universe (most of the time, when we stop for a moment). Universal, unconditional love is perhaps the closest we’ll ever get to perfection. So rather than bog ourselves down to specific celebratory days and material expressions of love, let’s reach out in friendship instead and enjoy each others company for a while.

Happy friendship day!